This Can't Be
by fuckmeharkness
Summary: Merthur. Oneshot. Merlin and Arthur are fighthing again, and this time there isn't a simple solution. T for themes.


"Arthur I…"

"Merlin stop it! You don't know what you're talking about." He shook his friend's hand off of his own furiously, looking out the window. It was dusk, Arthur's favorite time of the day. And Merlin was ruining it with declarations.

"Arthur! You know I'm telling the truth! And I know you feel the same!" Merlin stared at his best friend, his knight, his love, tears springing into his eyes. "I know you do," he added quietly, his voice shaking.

Hearing the pleading tone in Merlin's voice, Arthur turned around. "Merlin. We can't… regardless of any feelings that anyone has toward anyone else…" He looked away, shifting a few pieces of papers on his desk. Then, he suddenly looked up at Merlin, anger the only emotion in his eyes.

But Merlin, who knew him best, knew that anger hid all of the pain and confusion he was feeling. It broke his heart to see the way Arthur was closing up in front of him. He had always been the one to open him up, make sure that he was alright and not just being a pompous idiot who was too chivalrious for his own good. Merlin knew the true Arthur. And because of that, he knew just how badly Arthur was hurting as he looked upon his friend with fierce eyes that twinkled in the remaining light.

"Why do you have to ruin everything Merlin? We were dong fine before all this! This is so stupid! You don't know what you're talking about. You are my servant, and that's all you'll ever be."

Even knowing that Arthur was only shouting these things to cover up the pain, it cut Merlin deep. Merlin was the one who was brave enough to say it, brave enough to admit that he was proud to be in love. Arthur was the man who couldn't seem to accept that he wasn't who his father had raised him to be. And now Arthur was lecturing him! They were not doing fine! Arthur and Merlin were both in agony, hiding their feelings and keeping everything inside when they both knew perfectly well their feelings were reciprocated. Arthur was the one who refused to make a move because of what _his father _would say. Merlin was trying to be good enough for Arthur, and Arthur was just shoving him away.

"Arthur! You're being ridiculous." He took his love's hand. For a moment, Arthur let him, getting lost in Merlin's great, big, loving eyes that never seemed to end. He always used to think that Merlin's eyes were just a mirror image of Merlin's soul, never ending and beautiful. Merlin showed more love that silent, brooding Arthur could ever dream to be. And yet, Merlin had faith in him. He saw Arthur becoming as loving and as loyal a king as there had ever been in history. He believed that Arthur would be a great king through his love of all people. It was one of the many reasons Arthur loved him so. In a world of fathers and advisors doubting him, Merlin was his rock.

Merlin was stubborn to say the least. He was insistant, defiant, annoying, and incredibly wise. He was beautiful, full of hope, and kind to every being. He was perfect. He was everything Arthur wasn't; everything Arthur wanted to be. Though he would never admit it, if Arthur could be like one man he would be like Merlin.

But that moment was only a moment. Then Arthur realized they were standing in his chambers, in the castle, in Camelot. And the world came crashing back down on his shoulders. His responsibility, his father's morals, his knights' adoration. In the real world, Merlin and Arthur would be nothing but knight and servant, possibly friends. But they could never be what they wanted. He pulled his hand away, pretending not to notice when he felt Merlin dig his nails into his palm in an attempt to keep his and in his.

"Merlin, I have an obligation."

"To who? Who do you owe so much?"

"To my father, to my people-"

"You have an obligation to your heart! And to me! And I do not believe for one second that the people wouldn't be accepting of this."

"Merlin! Come back to reality! The people do not accept this!"

"They know us! They respect and fear you, and they love both of us. Why would they have a problem!"

Arthur dragged his hands over his face, feeling extremely weary. "The people are set in their ways. They wouldn't accept us."

Merlin stepped forward, still trying. "Maybe not at first, but eventually…" He lightly touched Arthur's arm, a silent reminder that he wasn't going anywhere.

Arthur stepped away, unwilling to lose himself into the fantasy that Merlin couldn't seem to pull himself out of. "This has to stop Merlin. You and I, we can't do this. Gwen and I-"

"Gwen doesn't even love you!" Merlin interjected fiercly, the first tear sliding down his cheek at the mention of his once friend.

"What are you talking about? How would you know?"

"Because, you don't know what she's going to-" Then he stopped abruptly, pulling back. He couldn't tell Arthur. He couldn't. Arthur needed it to happen in its own time.

"What is she going to do?" Arthur asked, his eyes wide with confusion.

"Nothing," Merlin replied darkly, wondering if Arthur would ever change.

Arthur sighed, letting the subject drop for now. "Merlin. I'm sorry, but…"

"Say it."

"What?"

"Say what?"

"You know what! I want to hear you say it!"

"No! Merlin, don't be ridiculous!"

Merlin stepped close to him. Close enough so that they were only a few inches apart. Merlin could feel Arthur's hot and impatient breath on his lips. He breathed it in through his nose, reveling in the feeling of being this close to him. Who knew when he would again.

"I'll drop it if you just say it," Merlin whispered, deathly quiet.

"Merlin…"

"Say it."

Arthur stared at him, his head shaking a little before he got the courage to meet his eyes. He pressed his lips together in sudden pain, and a single tear escaped from his eye.

"I love you."

And with that, Merlin's lips crashed upon his.

It wasn't a beautiful kiss. If anyone had been there to witness it, they would have said it compared to two cats fighting. But for Merlin and Arthur, it was something entirely different. It was a test of compassion and wills. Merlin was fighting to show Arthur just how much he loved him, just how much he needed him to know he loved him too. Arthur was fighting back with his lips, showing Merlin once in for all just how he felt. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin first, surprising Merlin as much as exciting him. This act alone was enough to prove to Merlin just how real Arthur's feelings were. Arthur began running his fingers through that thick black hair he loved to ruffle before Merlin wrapped his arms around him in turn.

Their kiss lasted for several seconds, neither daring to breathe or open their eyes for fear of this dream ending. But when they both ran out of oxygen, they were forced to open their eyes. They opened them in sync, both men's eyes darkened with passion. Then the dream faded, and Arthur stepped away. Merlin dropped his hands to his sides, feeling more lost than ever.

Arthur looked around, his eyes burning in his attempt from stopping the tears. That was what love felt like. That was love.

He took a few steps, ending up beside Merlin. He turned his face, looking down at Merlin. Merlin didn't turn to look at him. He was too close to crying. He knew he would break if he looked at his love. "Merlin." When he still didn't look, Arthur sighed and lowered his voice. "Merlin, I…"

Then, quite unexpectedly, he kissed Merlin on the cheek, slow and sweet, before turning away. Though it was but a whisper, Merlin heard him clearly say, "I'm sorry. But this can't be."

And then he walked out. If anyone in the hallways noticed Arthur's tears, they did not mention it. For several minutes, Merlin, the ever faithful servant, friend and lover, stood leaning against the window frame, feeling the warmth of the last rays of sun and wishing that Arthur could share this moment with him. Even if it was just as friends.

Merlin saw Arthur striding purposefully across the ground. He watched with blurry eyes as Arthur suddenly looked up, staring straight at Merlin. He nodded once. Merlin nodded back. A small smile tilted Arthur's lips. Merlin's matched his. "I love you too, Arthur."


End file.
